farawaysoclose

how many countries you've visited?

Life is full of hope. I only went to 6% countries in the world! How about East Africa , Cuba or Latin America? I am really into big islands after Sri Lanka. Let's do Madagascar next time. :)

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This morning

This morning I was just thinking, how could I bump into so many people with a young kid lately? Many of them are around the campus. Of course, the passionate instructors or other acdemic disciples are standing at very similar phase of life. We are starting our careers, making something to happen, supposed to get ready for everything, being prolific, and contribute what we have to this world.

Then I heard one of my friends back in college lost his mum on Chinese New Year's Day. She passed out in her brother's home, and never got back. My friend, as the only son of the family, is extremely closed to his mother. You can say it's a typical oedipus complex, but when it's staged in real life, no one really wants to be one of the three. I guess that's the reason I got to know the mother: he talked to her about everything, then one day I found myself being invited to his home, eating dinner with the two-people family. She's a great cook. I could still remember the noodles she made us that night.

She remembered me as well. Last year she recalled me as a "chubby, tanned" girl. No one at the table could believe the fact I was chubby, so all of us laughed at the idea, and the unreliable memories of his mother. Now when I, we at the age supposed to give birth, create something new, make a brand whole new world, she just quietly passed away. My friend always hesitated about making any decisions leaving home. It seems he didn't have any choices now. Time to move on; it's your life. I need to react like a person in the Middle Ages, trying to interpret incidents in life in every peculiar ways, to resist the temptations of asking the unkown reasons.

Time to move on; it's your life.

Wish all the best for him.

年初

這一年一開始實在是百味雜陳。

先是自己出乎意料，在地球上空飛來飛去，心理帶著半個地球外的牽掛，飛到幾千公里外的地方，腳著了地，又在掛念半個地球外的事情；再來是父親大人過年一直在生病，咳嗽咳不停。記得從小長到唸大學，過年之前先是老爸的卡片多到數不清，再來是大年初一當天電話接到手軟。今年回家新卡片似乎只有我出去玩寄回去的兩張，早就放著了，而電話是北京和上海的叔叔分別打來的---老爸早就生硬的上海話忽然輪轉起來，十幾年未有過，據我抓到的一兩句似乎是跟錢有關，世態炎涼，人活到這個年紀，不知道也是不行的吧。

出發那天機場大霧，到香港又得等上八小時。縱使經常這樣等，也難免心裏抱怨不知道是誰那麼早把我挖起來往機場去。半夜上飛機前在赤臘角打電話回家，老爸還在咳嗽，又重聽，勉強跟我講電話，第一句話居然是辛苦了，我拿著話筒在大庭廣眾之下幾乎要掉眼淚。這那裡辛苦呢？在大年初一我不跟家裡過完年，硬要選這個日子飛來飛去，飛這麼遠也是自己要的，老爸身體不舒服，才是折磨，我辛苦什麼？

今天早上打開電腦，弟弟寫信來，說昨天晚上大家去急診室陪老爸吊點滴。原來是感冒體力不濟，一直打嗝，又沒胃口吃飯，營養不良。幸好現在沒事了。幸好、幸好。我從來沒有讀一封email讀的這麼心驚膽顫。

年初年尾節日一個接一個，哪裡都一樣，一年裡最大的節，傳統上一定是要跟家人過的。我們的社會很殘酷地設計這些日子，只有社會接受、認可的親屬關係，才是重要、每年一定要在一起過下去的。活到這個年頭，發現自己還在跟明年不知道會到哪裡去的人一起過年，而不能把真正關心介意的人帶進自己的生活，心裡居然開始介意了。十年以前，希望年年可以過得不一樣，而接下來的十年，只希望可以年年過得一樣，住在一樣的地方，跟一樣的人生活，做類似的事情，有一群變動不大的朋友。

當成新年新希望好了。